I Guess I Only Have Myself To Blame
by WriterEm
Summary: Jack reads her book, Follows 'We Used To Get On Fine', Jack/Liz, Liz/Wesley sort of


Jack Donaghy prided himself on being above friends, he had no need for them. Instead he surrounded himself with followers and admirers. When he was promoted to Head of East Coast Television and Microwave Programming, this changed. Meeting Liz Lemon changed everything. Lemon didn't admire him, and she was far too familiar with him in such a short space of time to be regarded as merely a passing acquaintance. After their first meeting he'd thought that he'd never met anyone quite like her in his life, he'd quickly come to realise that this was because there was no one else quite like her in the world. Lemon opened up a host of opportunities for him. He confided in her and she in turn confided in him, allowing him to encourage her to aspire to be more than what she was.

When she told him she was marrying Wesley, he had laughed. When she'd said that she was being serious he had shaken his head and stepped back from her, telling her that he couldn't stand by and watch her throw her life away on Wesley. He'd spent 4 years trying to convince her to aim higher and there she was settling for someone like Wesley, the epitome of an English Twit.

It amazed him how their 4 year old friendship dissolves so much faster than it had evolved. One moment she's coming into his office every 5 minutes and the next she's absent. Weeks after she marries Wesley, Jonathon hands him her resignation. Jack accepts. Two weeks after that she's gone from TGS and then gone from his life. There's no texts, no emails, no calls.. No visits.

He's not lonely without her, he likes to remind himself of this. Because really.. He may not have friends but he has admirers right? And girlfriends. He and Avery split up a few weeks after Liz leaves, but he's ok with that because there are so many young attractive females for him to share his evenings and weekends with.

He also spends more time on Floor 6 than before, which is a little strange because you would have thought he'd spend less time there seeing as he can't stand half the people that work there. But perhaps it's because he knows without the presence of Lemon it's far more likely that the writers, Tracy and Jenna are running wild. It's definitely not due to the likelihood of overhearing any of them talking about Liz, because he doesn't care right?

But when he hears Pete and Frank talking about the end of season after party, Jenna chimes in that Liz will be attending it, he decides he won't be there. Without Lemon at the helm, TGS is likely to be cancelled so he figures he might as well let them have this one last thing. Plus running into Lemon would be awkward and he has enough awkward encounters with women as it is.

Surprisingly it's Jonathon who informs him that Lemon has a new book out. Of course he says it snidely and disdainfully and Jack just nods and hums in an appropriation of a sound of agreement. An hour later finds him out of the office and in the local bookshop picking up a copy. He sneaks it back into his office, telling Jonathon to hold all calls and slumps on to the couch with it. Liz Lemon is embossed in Yellow on the front of the black cover, and he smiles, glad she's not written under Liz Snipes.

He expects the book to be a sequel to Dealbreakers but a page in he realises it's not. 160 pages later and he's totally sure it's not a sequel. It's nothing like he'd think she would write. It's personal and honest, it's funny, of course, but it's dark and deep and human. And he speeds through the book, recognising some of the stories from her childhood, and some from TGS.

It's the last chapter however that has him sitting on the sofa an hour after finishing reading it.

'When I got married I thought I was really doing the right thing. I know that I had decided pretty late in life that I wanted a family but Jack had always told me that I could achieve anything. Until he said that I didn't think I had it in me to be a mother, but for some reason his belief prompted me to believe in myself. I started adoption agencies the day after he told me, even though it never worked out. Meeting Wesley however made me think that maybe I had a shot at the whole thing, marriage, kids, everything. He said he wanted a family too so I though, there we go. I did what I thought most people did, I settled for someone who shared a common goal.

In reality though, a marriage based on settling isn't a real marriage. Before the wedding Wesley annoyed me, he irritated me and I hated him. Afterwards it was the same. By the time we'd been married a year I realised it wasn't going to work out, partly because I wasn't in love with Wesley and partly because I am in love with someone. Someone that isn't my husband.

When I realised I wanted kids, I only pictured myself with them because I thought that I would never be able to meet a man. After Wesley I realised that it's possible I could get a man. When we started trying for a baby I started picturing me and a family, finally. I saw me, a baby, and a man. Not Wesley. When I picture the future now, I don't see Wesley at all. I see some who tries to make me try and be a better me. Someone who doesn't try and change me, just encourages me to be myself, to be happy. Who makes me think more of myself, to be more confident in my decisions. And although I know I have no chance with being with the man I love, I suddenly realised I shouldn't stay being married and miserable with Wesley. So here I am. I'm divorce, single, and not pregnant, and in love with a man that will never love me back. A man who is most probably married to the beautiful blonde lady he was dating when I last saw him. Most probably living with her and their perfect baby and not even noticing that I'm not around anymore. And even though I haven't spoken to him in a year, or seen him, I know that I love him. I'm surer of that than anything else in my life. And I know I'm most probably going to love him forever. Even though we barely hugged, and we never kissed, I still know that I'm in love with him.

I guess it's too late now, but at least I know. Because that's something right? That's an accomplishment. And I am working on being happy, because writing this I've realised I haven't been happy for a long time. And yes I'm terribly scared being old and suddenly divorced, but I know that I made the right the decision leaving Wesley.

I'm sure of something at least. Finally.'

He stares at the word 'Finally' for an hour. Until his eyes are watering and hurting and he can't really see the word at all. He closes the book and chucks it on the couch next to him, pushing himself to his feet. He crosses the room and stares out at the city.

He wonders how he could have missed what Lemon felt for him. Perhaps he was too busy criticising her, and running around with Avery, and Nancy, and Elisa before that, and in fact, he'd always been running around. Yet Lemon was always there, when he need her she was there, and Lemon always made time for him. And if she had needed him and he was busy he wouldn't hesitate to shut her down. He'd kept on trying to build her up yet, not even realising he was just walking all over her.

He turns a pours a shot of whiskey quickly downing it. He doesn't know if he loves her, but he knows he misses her and he's actually really fucking lonely and he's been a complete and utter prick.

At least he's realised something.


End file.
